Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
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Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”