People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
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[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.