If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
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You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
💯😂
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.