I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree