Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I have a place for everything. The floor.
This story is comedy gold 😂
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55