Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
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[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
We’re all getting idioter.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Breaking news:
Thanks to a fan for this one!
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes