Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
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I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Siri, fight Alexa.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.