Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
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Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Your secret is safeish with me
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?