I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
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Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini