7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
You Might Also Like
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I love art.