*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
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ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”