[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
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*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My dad.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick