Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
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*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Breaking news:
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Note to self: always read the final line
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”