FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
#SuperBowl
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
when dads have a rap battle
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example