It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
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Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen