If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China