She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
*limbos under the caution tape
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.