I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
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[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
lmao
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another