Me sliding into hell like
You Might Also Like
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
My god she’s good.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.