One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
You Might Also Like
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Has there ever been a more American story?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
shampoo implies shampee
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.