Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
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“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day