Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
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I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
This kid is a star!
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.