Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
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I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
No, I don’t think I will.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*