if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
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retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
the #horror is real!
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”