Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
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A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice