If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
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Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I can fix him.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.