Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Always a housemaid, never a house.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”