Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES