First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
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Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that