Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
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Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more