[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
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Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.