“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
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If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.