Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
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god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
$3 #books
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.