Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
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publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Breaking news:
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”