I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
LOL!
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
A ghost story
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating