my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
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[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs