In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
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Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.