Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
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Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper