Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
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doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means