I only look at Wordle for the articles
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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
😂😂😂
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)