SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
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Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Knock Knock
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree