This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
i spent way too long on this
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
when nothing goes right… go left
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist