My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
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All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
this is literally a CIA plant
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.