I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
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When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope