Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
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My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Always 🥴
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect