Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife