My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
oh my gosh!!
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?