Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
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In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?