Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!