i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
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I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Realize this:
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.